I cannot lose you
by mi guard
Summary: Danny's biggest failure.


A/N: This is my first FanFiction, and probably my last one, so please bear with me. Disclaimer: I own nothing

How could that have happened? It wasn't supposed to happen. Why was Jamie lying motionless in this hospital bed? Why had Jamie even been there with him in that alley? Slowly the memories started to seep through the impenetrable fog in his mind.

He and Jackie had finally been able to find a lead on their case and they were supposed to drive back to the precinct to check it out, but they had been very busy during the whole day and hadn't been able to eat properly. Jackie was starving so they had stopped at her favourite deli on their way back. Even so late at night the place was crowded, so he had decided to wait outside for her. That's when a patrol car stopped near to him and he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, Danny, what are you doing here? Working on a case?" His brother Jamie and his Sergeant stepped out of their car. "Hey Jamie. Hey Tony. Jackie is in the deli to grab some food and then we'll head back to the precinct. What about you?" "We're on shift for another two hours, and I am starving too. I'll will hurry up and find your partner in there before she places her order, so she can order for me too and I won't have to join the queue." Danny smiled. "Yeah, go try that, maybe you're lucky." Danny and Jamie watched Renzulli hurry to the deli and disappear behind the door.

"So, bro, what happened to your partner Vinny?" "He's at home with the flu. Renzulli will pair up with me for the time being. It's nice in fact, I like working with him." "I'm sure you do. Is he still telling you to think what your big brother Danny would do in a certain situation, and then make sure you do the opposite?" Jamie smirked. "Yeah, that has become a standard." Danny smiled. Indeed, he had to admit, once in a while that would be a good advice for Jamie.

However, he did not have the time to reply to his brother. They heard a shot and Danny was already sprinting to the nearby alley, his gun in his hands. Cries could be heard, and people came running in his direction in a panic. He reached the corner of the crossing and carefully peered into the dark alley. He cursed; he shouldn't go in there alone. He looked back to see if his partner had heard the shot and was coming to his help and was surprised to find his brother Jamie right behind him. "What are you doing Jamie?" he whispered. "What does it look like Danny? I am giving you back up!" Jamie whispered back. "You should go and get Jackie and Renzulli instead." "Danny, I did not just graduate from the Academy. I can do this. I won't let you go alone in there." And he pointed to the alley with his hands firmly holding his gun. Danny cursed again, but turned to the alley.

His eyes were adjusting to the darkness of the street and now he thought that he could recognize a body lying on the ground near a parked car. Suddenly he saw a movement further down the alley and he barked: "Police! Put your hands where I can see them!" The only response was a flash and shot. He and Jamie ducked behind a car. "Stay behind me!" He hissed to his brother. And then he shouted: "Police! Drop your weapon!" Another shot was fired. "Damn it! I can't see where exactly the shooter is hiding", he said turning his head slightly to Jamie. That's when he sensed, more than saw, a movement on the opposite side of the alley, slightly behind them. In the shadow he saw the sparkle of a metallic object. Was that a gun? They were in cover for the first shooter, but if that was a second shooter, they were nearly in plain sight of this second one. Then he saw it clearly. A gun pointing in their direction; to be exact pointing at their rearguard, in this case at his brother Jamie. "No, no, no, no, no", was the only thing he could think of and instinctively he held up his gun, while quickly turning around his torso shoving automatically Jamie behind him. Two shots were fired.

He and Jamie both stumbled to the ground. What happened afterwards was a blur in his mind; as if his mind was in a thick fog and he couldn't clear it.

He remembers the sensation of his clothes getting drenched. 'Is that blood?' he wondered. He does remember the panic rising. 'Oh my God. Jamie has been hit! No, no, no, no, no! I wasn't quick enough.' He believes to remember voices calling. "Reagan!" A male voice. Renzulli? And again "Reagan!" This time a female voice. Jackie? He was not sure. The only thing he remembers clearly is the ache he felt around his heart, as it were being torn apart. "Someone call a bus, my brother has been hit!" he heard a desperate sounding voice shouting. Was that him? Did he just shout? Again he was not sure. "Jamie!" he tried to call, but he could not even hear his own voice. "Jamie!" he screamed, but again he could not hear his voice. He felt cold, terribly cold. "I am the eldest brother. I am supposed to protect him" he tried to cry out loud, but the words got caught in his throat. He felt violent shivers run through his whole body. "I wasn't present when Joe got shot, I couldn't save him. But I was with Jaime! I should have protected him!" a voice shouted in his mind. Danny felt his whole body start trembling. His mind repeated constantly: "I can't lose another brother. I can't lose Jamie. I can't lose my baby brother." The pain in his chest became unbearable, he felt like choking and suddenly everything went dark.

Danny does not remember how he got to the hospital, or what happened when he and Jamie arrived at the E.R. He just knows that now he is this hospital room and he is waiting for his brother to wake up, if he wakes up. The doctors don't seem very optimistic. The shot was far too close to the heart. The surgery has been a very difficult one. His body has shut down and he's in a coma.

He doesn't know how long he has been in this room. But he won't move from his brother's side until he will wake up. Danny has completely lost the sense of time. It is as if his mind has completely locked out everything and everyone else and only concentrates on his brother. He can hear indistinct voices come and go. He recognizes the voices of his family in his foggy mind.

There's the voice of his father, begging his boy to wake up. He cannot lose another son. He senses fear, hope and desperation in his father's voice. Then he hears the voices of his Grandpa, of Erin, of Nicky. The most touching ones seem to be those of his own family: Sean, Jack and Linda. Linda's voice surprises him the most. He knew that his wife and Jamie were close, but now he realizes that they are really close. She is desperate to lose her best friend. She says that she does not think to be able to live without him. Danny smirks. Well, then they are two. He too does not know if he can cope with the death of another brother. Jamie cannot die, he simply can't.

But there is another voice, a male voice; a voice he can't place, although it is a very familiar one. This voice seems desperate, more than the others. It begs the person in the hospital bed to wake up; because he needs to tell him how grateful he is that he saved his live and that he will forever be his biggest hero. 'Really?' Danny thinks. 'Did Jamie save someone's life lately? I didn't know that. Why did the kid not tell me? That's typically Jamie. He's a hero and he doesn't tell anybody.' Danny feels pride for his brother rise inside his heart but it is immediately followed by terrible sadness. His brother's life is hanging by a thread, only because Danny hasn't been able to protect his baby brother.

There is something about this voice that puts him on edge. Something is just not right. Not the voice itself. The voice is familiar; it transmits a feeling of safety, of security. No, it is something else which makes him feel uncomfortable. Danny wants to check the person matching the voice, but he is still trapped in this foggy alternate universe where he only can concentrate on his brother. Danny tries to shake himself, but fails. 'What is wrong with me?' he wonders angrily. Then he hears the voice again. This time more clearly: "Danny, please wake up. Please!" Danny halts. 'What? The voice is asking me to wake up? Whoever is there just mixed up the names! It is not me who needs to wake up, it is Jamie!' Again he hears the same voice begging and crying: "Danny, can't you hear me? Danny, you must wake up! Please wake up!" Danny freezes. That voice, he recognizes that voice. It can't be! It simply can't be! "Danny! You're my annoying big brother, but I love you. Please wake up. Do it for me! Danny!" 'Oh my God, that's Jamie's voice! How is that even possible? Why do I hear Jamie begging me to wake up? That's insane!'

Danny tries with all his forces to open his eyes, but they seem glued. "Danny, you saved my life. Why did you risk your life to save mine? You have a wife, two kids, they can't lose you. I can't lose you." Danny is confused. Could it be that he had it all completely wrong? Can it be that the one in the coma is not Jamie but himself? "Danny, please!" Suddenly he feels a touch. Someone is cupping his cheek with a hand. That feels so good. The fog in his mind starts to disperse. Danny leans into the touch and forces his eyes to open. He is putting his whole strength into it. His eyelids start to flutter. "Danny?" Slowly Danny manages to open his eyes. Everything is out of focus. "Danny!" He turns his head to the voice, his sight slowly focuses and his heart nearly misses a beat. Jamie is sitting on a chair next to his hospital bed and Jamie is looking directly into his eyes. He looks exhausted, but overwhelmed with joy to see him waking up. 'How is that even possible?' Danny thinks. But then he just smiles at Jamie. It is not important to understand now. What really counts is that his little brother is sitting next to him, that his brother is not in a coma, that his brother isn't dead, that Jamie is ALIVE. Danny has protected his little brother, and this is the only thing that matters just now.


End file.
